Why the Shinobi Hate Birthdays
by BigBang24
Summary: A funny story about how all the shinobi came to hate birthdays. Chapter 1:Neji. Chapter 2:Shikamaru.
1. Neji

**Neji: BigBang24 doesn't own Naruto.**

**Me: That's ri…wait, what the crap, how did you say something? Only I can do that.**

**Neji: I can do it because I am you.**

**Me: No, I am me. You're Neji.**

**Neji: I am also you.**

**Me: No, only I can be me. Wait, hold up, I know where this is going. Ok, so now I'm Wesley Snipes. Who are you?**

**Neji: Wesley Snipes.**

**Me: Ha! I thought you were me, smart guy.**

**Neji: But you said you were Wesley Snipes.**

**Me: No. I said that, but I made no move to actually change my name to Wesley Snipes, or any other name for that matter. I'm still name and address withheld from name and address withheld.**

**Neji: I…damn.**

**Me: On that note, let's begin.**

**Summary: Neji's 18****th**** birthday doesn't go as well as he'd hoped, due to finding Kiba, Shikamaru, and Sasuke doing something that most southern Methodists wouldn't approve of, resulting in him trying to become mentally stable again, being pushed to the brink of insanity along the way.**

**Why Neji Hates his Birthday**

Neji woke up with a small grin on his face. Life was great. The girls were drooling over him, he was a shoe-in for Jounin, he got to kick Hinata's ass on a daily basis when they sparred, and, most of all, it was his birthday!

You see, my friend, his birthday was the one day in the year that he was happy. This is because, after everyone discovered that Hinata failed at every aspect of life, including staying fit enough to keep from sweating up a storm in that godforsaken Eskimo coat of hers, Neji had been named heir to the Hyuuga throne. Ever since, he had been spoiled and pampered until he felt like a king every birthday he had.

I can see you out there snickering. Hahaha, foolish writer. It seems to me that Neji loves his birthday. Wow! Did you figure that out all by yourself, or did you have help? Ahem…anyway that would soon change. You see, it all started when he smiled. His cousin, Hanabi, came bursting through his door.

"Hey Neji-kun, have you seen the…." Her voice trailed off as her mouth dangled open in the shape of an o. She had just seen Neji smile. Suddenly, her eyes welled with tears. She once heard from a certain blonde ramen-loving ninja that every time Neji smiles, a puppy dies.

Neji decided to get the hell outta there before he got in trouble for making his cousin cry. He was confused. '_Why would she cry when she saw me? Am I ugly? No, no…ahah! My hair is probably screwed up! I'll go consult with the master of weird-ass hair for help._' Satisfied, he knocked on Shikamaru's door. A few seconds later, Shikamaru answered the door.

Staring at Neji with his signature bored look, he said, "Look, Neji, whatever it is, can we make it quick? I, uh…have company."

Neji, confused at first, suddenly realized what Shikamaru was doing. A smile formed on his face. "Alright Shika! Finally gettin' some! Who'd you do it with? Ino? Temari maybe?"

Suddenly, Kiba came up behind Shikamaru and hugged his waist, resting his head on Shikamaru's shoulder.

"Shika-kun, please come back to bed, Sasuke-kun and I are getting cold." Neji's faced paled (if that's even possible) and he barfed like he'd never barfed before. Just then, Sasuke came up and did the same thing to Shikamaru that Kiba did. The three of them then had a make-out fest. Neji could only watch, unable to glance away- or stop vomiting. Kiba then looked up at the now green Neji.

"Oh, how rude of me. Care to join us?"

That was all it took. Neji ran so fast that he would make Lee without his weights seem average. He then bumped into Naruto, who was right in the middle of stealing weed from Lee. Miraculously, nobody, not even the weed, was harmed.

** 15 minutes of depressed Neji storytelling later**

"And then I puked harder!" Neji had to take a break from story time to sob. Naruto had nothing to say.

"I think I puked out a testicle! Oh god, it was horrible! What did I do to deserve this?!?!? Chuck Norris, have mercy on me!" Naruto still had nothing to say. This made Neji angry, as he had expected some form of sympathy. When he looked up, he saw Naruto talking to "Donald Duck the Ballerina." Neji looked behind where Donald should be. Suddenly, he knew why Donald was only visible to Naruto. It was Lee's weed. It had gotten Naruto high. That could only mean that…it was Lee's fault that Shikamaru turned out to be…that way. He couldn't bring himself to think the word. Neji shrugged. It made about as much sense as anything else had that day. He then dashed off to find Lee, leaving Naruto and Donald behind.

Unfortunately, Neji managed to find him. He had followed the youthful scent of…oh, god! That freak is starting to rub off on me! I need to go find someone that can inflict bodily harm on me that I wouldn't have the heart to press charges against.

I'm back! Anyway, Neji's conversation with Lee was…interesting, to say the least. It went something like this:

Neji: Lee, can I talk to you about something?

Lee: Yes, Neji the youthfully youthful youth! I would be happy to have a youthfully youthful conversation of youth with you. What are the youthful matters of youth you would like to youthfully discuss with youthful little me? Did I mention the youth? No, I don't think I did youthfully mention youth. Okay I will youthfully mention the youthful topic of youth now. Youth. There, I youthfully mentioned the youthful word of youth, which we call youth. Youth.

Neji: Hey, Lee, guess what.

Lee: What?

Neji: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

Lee: That was very unyouthful of you, my youthful eternal rival of youth.

Neji: I don't believe in youth.

Lee then suffered an almost fatal heart attack. Had he not had such a strong faith in Chuck Norris, he would have died. When he learned that he almost died, he had another heart attack and actually died.

Norris was quoted saying, "You're on your own, kid."

Neji then mentally slapped himself for going to Lee for something. Neji slapped himself back. All of a sudden, Neji found himself in a fierce quarrel with Neji. Neji threw a kunai to keep Neji away from him, however Neji had forgotten about Neji's rotation. Neji used rotation to shoot the kunai back towards Neji, who cursed Neji under his breath. Neji dodged the kunai that Neji had deflected at him, and the kunai hit Neji's common sense part of the brain, taking away Neji's common sense for three seconds. Meanwhile, outside of his mind, Neji screamed, "O.J. DIDN'T DO IT!"

When his common sense returned, Neji realized that he had gone insane. He then knew what he had to do he had to confront the problem head on. Mustering up all his courage, he knocked on Shikamaru's door. The door was answered by Kiba, who was in nothing but a t-shirt and boxers. He grinned widely.

"Looks like you decided to join us after all." Neji shook his head, trying to tell him no, but as he shook his head, some of his hair brushed Kiba's hand.

"Ooooh, Neji, your hair is so soft," said Kiba, as he began to play with Neji's hair, his body coming closer and closer to Neji's.

"Kiba, what the hell are you…Kiba Kib-Kiba, what the hell!!! Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!"

Neji sat up in bed, his eyes wide with fright. It was only a dream. Sighing in relief, he looked at the sleeping form of Naruto next to him, and began to caress his hair. A freaking out Sasuke saw the whole thing.

"Aaaaahhhhhh!!!" Sasuke sat up in bed. It was just a dream. Looking next to him, he saw a peacefully sleeping Sakura. Suddenly, Sakura sat up.

"I love you, Sasuke."

"I love you, too Sakura." Sakura then took off a Sakura mask to reveal Shikamaru, who prepared to rape Sasuke. Kiba saw the whole thing.

"Aaaaaaaaaa-aw, fuck it."

Meanwhile, back in Neji's dream, Kiba and Sasuke took off masks to reveal Temari and Ino, who watched their boyfriend Shikamaru howl with laughter. Feeling a bit bad for tricking poor Neji, Temari turned to Ino.

"Don't you think we were a little mean? I feel like we're going to get screwed over at some point because of this." This caused Shikamaru to smirk a little.

"Oh, you're getting screwed, alright."

Ino sweatdropped. "Yep, we're all definately going to hell."

Suddenly, Shikamaru's car came crashing through the wall. From a distance, a shout from a pupilless boy could be heard.

"Payback is a bitch! Take that, pineapple head!" An evil laugh faded into the distance.

**Ugh, I swear. Writing those yaoi parts made me just as green as Neji. I apologize to any weirdly tattooed, crazy haired, or non-pupiled individuals I might have offended in the making of this fic.**


	2. Shikamaru

Neji: BigBang24 doesn't own Naruto

**Neji: BigBang24 still doesn't own Naruto.**

**Me: That's ri…wait, what the crap, how did you say something? Only I can do that.**

**Neji: I think we've been over this already in the last chapter.**

**Me: No, I am me. You're Neji.**

**Neji: Ya, I know. You said that in the last chapter.**

**Me: No, only I can be me. Wait, hold up, I know where this is going. Ok, so now I'm Wesley Snipes. Who are you?**

**Neji: Ah yes, Wesley Snipes. Here comes the "smart guy" part.**

**Me: Ha! I thought you were me, smart guy.**

**Neji: Monologue time. Oh, joy.**

**Me: No. I said that, but I made no move to actually change my name to Wesley Snipes, or any other name for that matter. I'm still name and address withheld from name and address withheld.**

**Neji: Wow. That was retarded.**

**Me: On that note, let's begin.**

**Seeing as Shikamaru had a car through his wall, I chose him for this one.**

**Why Shikamaru Hates Neji's Birthday**

Shikamaru stood there, flinching. Neji had decided to park Shikamaru's car in Shikamaru's living room as thanks for the prank Shika had just pulled on him. At this point, Temari and Ino decided to leave, taking Shika's car. Suddenly, one thought crossed his mind: _Wait. Isn't my mom going to be visiting here soon?_ He then began to think up an excuse for the car stuck in his wall in his wall. _Uh…my friend was really drunk. No, that won't work. Uh...I lost my cookie, and my friend came over to help, but his brakes were broken, so he crashed through the wall. Yea, that works._

Just as he thought that, his mother's car came crashing through the wall facing the one the other car came through. Shikamaru flinched again and screamed, "What the hell?!" Shikamaru's mom stepped out of the car and began to speak.

"Hi, honey, where's the cookie I told you to buy?" Shikamaru was ready to blow up. _What cookie? She never mentioned a cookie. Oh, so she wants a cookie? She wants a FREAKING COOKIE? WELL I'LL GIVE HER A COOKIE! AARG-Wait…oh, you've gotta be kidding me."_

Just then, Naruto's car came crashing through the roof. Naruto stepped out with a smile on his face and exclaimed, "Shikamaru, I got the cookie!" Naruto held up a cookie. Shikamaru's mother then proceeded to grab the cookie, and drive through the only wall of Shikamaru's house that wasn't completely demolished…thereby demolishing it. Shikamaru hung his head and walked away from the pile of bricks and destroyed furniture formerly known as his house.

Shikamaru decided to call the construction workers to get them to fix up his house. That was not the best conversation he ever had. It all began when he dialed the number: (555) Kon-oha1. Or, in other words…er, numbers: (555) 566-6421. Shikamaru wasn't superstitious, so he didn't care much for the 666 located in the phone number; however it was very symbolic of the upcoming call.

A deep voice said, "911, what is the state of your emergency?" This confused Shikamaru, and rightfully so.

"Wait…isn't this the company called Construction Of Wacky Stuff? Otherwise known as COWS?" Shikamaru heard a faint snicker, for you see, at the other end of the line, was some drunk fat guy with a bunch of his co-workers paying him money to give crap to the first guy that called. Shikamaru happened to be the poor caller. When the snickering subsided, Shikamaru heard the worst sound he could possibly hear at the time.

"Moooooooooooooooooooooooo!!"

Shikamaru hung up the phone and sighed. He sat down in the middle of his destroyed home. Sasuke's car then drove into the middle of the pile of brick and stones formerly known as Shikamaru's house. Sasuke stuck his head out the window.

"Hey, Shika. So…I heard you need a place to stay, and…well, my place is always available. Feel free to drop by if you ever need a place to stay." Shikamaru smiled as Sasuke drove away. Sasuke was a true friend. Wait…what? Shikamaru mentally slapped himself for even thinking Sasuke was anywhere NEAR a friend.

All of a sudden, a mental Neji entered Shikamaru's brain and said, "No! Stop this RIGHT NOW! We've been through this already! No mental slapping!" Neji then slapped the mental Shikamaru. Shikamaru became angry.

"What the FFFfffff…..flip. What the flip. Yes. That's what I was going to say. What the flip. Anyways, WHAT THE FLIP, YOU FLIPPING HYPOCRITE!" Shikamaru then went to find the real Neji and punch him. He ran into Kiba on the way. The following conversation went something like this:

Shikamaru: What's up, Kiba. You seen Neji?

Kiba: Yeah, I was just at his place. I knocked on his door, but he told me to go away.

Shikamaru: Ugh. Probably with Tenten. He's been doing that ever since they started going out.

Kiba: Oh…Tenten is with Neji? She never mentioned that. Hehehe…whoops.

Shikamaru: Uh…right. Well, I gotta go. See ya.

Shikamaru shook his head and began to walk to Sasuke's house. Just before he knocked on the door, a fruitcake landed next to him. Shikamaru stared at it in wonder. Suddenly, another one hit him in the head. Confused, or in Snoop language, confuzzled, Sasuke came outside and the two of them looked up. What they saw was a scene from hell. Freshly baked fruitcakes rained from the sky. Everyone screamed in horror and agony as fruitcakes landed on their loved ones. Everyone but a newly revived Lee, who stood there looking angry.

"What? You guys have a problem with fruitcakes?" Everyone stopped for a second to stare at him, then continued to flee for their lives. Shikamaru and Sasuke saw a fruitcake fly into Generic Villager 16's mouth. Generic Villager 16 clutched his throat and started gagging, but the taste was too horrible for him to stand. He exploded. A nearby Tsunade began to cry at this sight.

"Nooo! Generic Villager 16! Now I have to rename all the generic villagers from 1-124,852!" The sight was too much to bear for Sasuke and Shikamaru. They retreated into Sasuke's house and huddled in a corner.

_**15 minutes earlier**_

Orochimaru and Kabuto stood outside the Konoha gates, ready to attack. They had recently discovered gunpowder, so they brought a cannon, a barrel of gunpowder, and a bunch of cannonballs, which Kabuto kept in a box. Orochimaru gave the order to attack, so Kabuto opened the box of cannonballs, only to discover fruitcakes. Orochimaru became furious!

"Kabuto! I said Cannonballs! Blah blah blah blah Sasuke-kun blah blah blah Konoha blah blah Jiraiya blah blah blah death to all that oppose me!"

"Well, you know what? We can't always be mister perfect Orochimaru! I hate you!" Orochimaru's eyes narrowed as he put on his Darth Vader voice changer and pulled out a plastic lightsaber.

"I find your lack of faith disturbing. But yeah, dude, you seriously messed up. I guess you can just fire the fruitcakes or something." Kabuto shook his head and began to load the cannon….

**Next chapter will be on Sasuke. Don't know when I'll update next.**


End file.
